the second hardest promise

There was a dance recital yesterday. It was interesting, to say the least. I saw snap, and felt nothing, which was a relief and bothersome at the same time. It was a relief that she no longer affects me in any way; bothersome because I think she's sort of afraid of me or what I could do to her. Not that I would, but I figure she thinks that I'm mad at her and thus, unstable. Let her think what she will; I truly no longer care.

What surprised me was that I was randomly breaking down when I heard some songs played. Twice, I almost lost it and you'd never expect it from the first one. It was Return to Sender by Elvis Presley. I think the reason that it hit me was the fact that I could never send mi corazon anything lest she suffer dire consequences. I got affected most, I think by the lines:

Return to sender, address unknown.
No such person, no such zone.

for the simple reason that I will never have the pleasure of meeting her, at least in this lifetime.

The second, I could understand a little better. I've a few songs that I simply adore by The Corrs, and Runaway would definitely be one of them. I haven't heard this one for well over three years and it pleased me immensely that I could still fudge through most of the lyrics. I didn't know that it was a Viennese Waltz until that moment, and I didn't expect it to connect to mi corazon until it did.

At the end of the day, I found that driving the 45 minutes home was extremely difficult, especially after listening to the last few saved voice mails that I have of hers; my provider automatically erases them after 30 days. I kept having to take deep, steadying breaths to calm myself. It didn't help that I kept hearing her voice in my head saying: "no, no, no!" That's what she was wont to do to stop herself from crying.

I expect myself to be this emotional way longer than I was with snap. Consider this as a warning to anybody who may want to avoid that little event again. Check back in maybe a month or two. I may have gotten a better grasp of her passing by then.

The difference this time is that it isn't anger nor confusion, but loss. This time, it's also permanent. I'm guessing that the big G's still got plans in store for me so I just have to behave well until my last breath in the hopes of reuniting with her. I figure, the odds are more to my favor if I do and in case she's not in the heavens, then I'll probably go the hopeless romantic route and forsake everything to go searching for her.