the process of letting go
i just got off the Y! IM module. i was talking with dindin, an xgf. she was the last one that i had at home before moving over here. we tried the long distance bit for a while, and then i gave up. that was nearly 2 years ago.
i could say that it's all her fault since she lay on me all her problems and blamed me for a whole lot of things, but that's not the entire truth. i am at fault as well, since i began to stray after one too many incidents of blame. i could possibly say that i got so fed up with being the reason for everything that went wrong in her life that i just grit my teeth one day and said goodbye. you can bet that tears were rampant on both sides, but a little something about me surfaced that day: i found that i keep it all bottled in until i cannot take it any longer, and then i just decide, for good or ill. no warning whatsoever.
so why is it that i am, to a certain degree, insanely jealous that she's found a new boy? don't get me wrong, i'm happy that she's moved on with her life. is it because i miss being the one she said her problems to? am i that of a masochist? maybe i miss her attention on me? perhaps i'm the sort of person who just doesn't want her to have anyone else but me? am i that selfish? is it concern for her thinly veiled in something else? is it the physicality? was it just lust that i had for her and not truly love? questions like these will forever haunt me.
she's 3 months pregnant. a gift from her current beau. i find that irresponsible. unless, she wanted it as well. i'm afraid for her since i don't know this person she's with. i don't want to pass judgment; it's just not right. she tells me that they'll get married in 3 months time; lots of luck to them both.
she's leaving for Canada tomorrow. used to be a time when she said that she was doing that for me. i got tired of waiting for that to happen too. i just hope that she's doing this for herself. heaven only knows how terrible life is back where she is.
i remember a girl when i left my safety net behind. i'm now faced with a woman.
i really am happy for you, dindin. like i said though, i no longer have a place in your heart, nor your life. forget me. forget the drama we went through. focus on him. focus on your unborn child. focus on your life ahead together. our paths split long ago. if next we meet, maybe you will find that you've the best of everything afterall.
consider all questions answered.
i could say that it's all her fault since she lay on me all her problems and blamed me for a whole lot of things, but that's not the entire truth. i am at fault as well, since i began to stray after one too many incidents of blame. i could possibly say that i got so fed up with being the reason for everything that went wrong in her life that i just grit my teeth one day and said goodbye. you can bet that tears were rampant on both sides, but a little something about me surfaced that day: i found that i keep it all bottled in until i cannot take it any longer, and then i just decide, for good or ill. no warning whatsoever.
so why is it that i am, to a certain degree, insanely jealous that she's found a new boy? don't get me wrong, i'm happy that she's moved on with her life. is it because i miss being the one she said her problems to? am i that of a masochist? maybe i miss her attention on me? perhaps i'm the sort of person who just doesn't want her to have anyone else but me? am i that selfish? is it concern for her thinly veiled in something else? is it the physicality? was it just lust that i had for her and not truly love? questions like these will forever haunt me.
she's 3 months pregnant. a gift from her current beau. i find that irresponsible. unless, she wanted it as well. i'm afraid for her since i don't know this person she's with. i don't want to pass judgment; it's just not right. she tells me that they'll get married in 3 months time; lots of luck to them both.
she's leaving for Canada tomorrow. used to be a time when she said that she was doing that for me. i got tired of waiting for that to happen too. i just hope that she's doing this for herself. heaven only knows how terrible life is back where she is.
i remember a girl when i left my safety net behind. i'm now faced with a woman.
i really am happy for you, dindin. like i said though, i no longer have a place in your heart, nor your life. forget me. forget the drama we went through. focus on him. focus on your unborn child. focus on your life ahead together. our paths split long ago. if next we meet, maybe you will find that you've the best of everything afterall.
consider all questions answered.
posted by Sascha at
5/11/2005 11:56:00 PM
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